10 Months / Mam It's been ten long months Dean since you left us. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime away, other times it feels like yesterday. I put on a brave face for our family. They hate to see me upset. Although my heart feels as if it has been ripped out and stamped on. Why Dean, Why? Was it a case of wrong place, wrong time. Or as some others believe that your time was up. This time last year you were home with us. You bought that bike. Dad blames himself for going and helping you to collect it to bring it home. Steve blames himself for buying his bike, knowing that you would go out and buy one. There is no one to blame, I sometimes wish there were someone or something I can blame. It was just a series of events that took your life and your away from us forever. I watch your daughter, she is beautiful, funny and absolutely wonderful. You would have been so proud of her. I adore her. I read this poem and it sums up just how I feel...
I Just Lost You
How can I put your dying into words? Are there words powerful enough To describe the death of you, And this lost, pain-filled me? Where do all these tears come from? Endlessly, they flow from my hurting eyes. I wish they could drown out the awfulness Of being in a life I don't recognize anymore Who am I now, without you? I feel I've lost myself in a fog. A mother without her child - That's not supposed to be. What will happen to me now? A mother can't stop being a mother. I know I shall go on loving you, Your life has not ended for me.
by Monica Eblen - South Bend, Indiana
I love you so much Dean and missing you like nothing else on earth. Love and hugs Mam xxxxx
Mother's Day / Mum Hello Sweetheart, I never thought I would ever celebrate a mothers day with one of my children gone. Hollie bless her, bought a card for me from you, sending me lots of hugs. I cried. I longed to hear the phone ring and you say 'Hello Mother, How is life on Waltons mountain?'. I still can't comprehend that you are no longer here. Well Dean Life is just a black cloud that follows us everywhere. As Steve said, 'everything would be okay if you were here'. I remember you phoning me from Iraq last year to wish me Happy Mother's day. I remember saying to you that I would be happier if you were home from Iraq. "It won't be long now Mother", you said. Little did we know that when you did come home it would only be for nine weeks before you left again...permanently. As Hollie told you she went for an interview with the airline Excel. She had a letter today to say that she was unsuccessful. She was gutted. I so wished that she had got the job as it would have given her and us a huge boost that is so needed at the moment. It was obviously not meant to be. I miss you so much. The thought that I will never see you again just takes me to my knees. It hurts so bad, you just want to die... But I know you wouldn't want that. You want us to be here for Kaitlin, she is my saving grace. I love you so much and I will always be your mother no matter where you are. Love Mammy xxxxxx
TROLLIE DOLLIE HOLLIE / Hollie Nicholas (Baby sister ) Dean Imiss you so much and I want you back!! Me and mammy went to Gatwick yesterday, Excel airlines wanted me to go for an interview. Mam woke me up at 3 in the morning, the clocks had gone foward too so I was soo tired! I slept all the way in the car and mammy drove my car up! Well anyway the day was very tough, but I got far. I had to have an exam and I passed that so I was happy. I went through to the next stage, then they had us doing a group interview. I done well in that so they asked me to go back for a one to one interview,I am just waiting on their desicion now dean! Hopefully i'lll get this job I will be 39,000 feet up in the sky which means il be closer to you in heaven AND no Dean I wont be joinin the mile high club like u said I would be part of lol! I could be doin long haul and short haul which is soo exciting! It was mothers day yesterday mammy liked her card off uou she sends you a millions hugs back! We all jus wish you could of been here. It is just soo hard you not being around anymore but I know your at peace now! You would be soo proud of your baby daughter she is saying everyones names shes even saying my best friends name Sarah. Susie is here sat next to me sleeping she's dreaming. I think she's chasing after some bones lol her little legs are going like mad! I'm so sorry its taken me soo long to write to you. its hard dean i love you forever now and always Your Little sister Hollie xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
my 21st xx / Emma Cousin hey babes, it was my 21st yesterday and i wanna say thank u for my card and things it was so hard, i opened it and seen ur name with a big smiley face next to it and had to go upstairs coz i was crying, the thought of u not being here was too much. i miss u every second of the day and think about u everyday, i say it everytime i write to u but i mean it so much i wish i could see u and u were back here with us all.
i love u loads couz
hope ur sleeping tight and dreaming nice dreams
love Emma xxxxxxx
Happy Birthday / Gem (wife)
Words cant not explain how much I miss u even more so on this special day. We have been to the beach today to let birthday balloons off for you (your little ray of sunshine kept one but I know u dont mind,u would have given every one to her and more) Ihope u liked them! It was so peaceful watching the balloons flying into the sky an drifting out of sight........like a free spirit riding the sky! kaitlin is getting so big now and not forgetting how 'gobby' (daddys girl)! I love watching her growing up because everything she does reminds me of u (she even thinks that she always right......sound familiar)! I keep haveing dreams of the day when it all happened.......... watching u sleeping so peacefully on the settee and getting woken up by me because gaz was on the phone wanting to speak to u about the holiday we had planned to go on! and then the next thing ur standing there in the kitchen with all ur leathers on looking like somthing out of the Y.M.C.A lol! I was going down to lyannes and mavs to get my fancy dress costume! when i came home at 945 i thought that u were going to go mad with me for being so late but u wasn't there! I thought that u were out looking for me to see where I was cause I had noticed u had left ur car keys on the side! It was 10.15pm when the doorbell went an I though "HERE HE IS" but instead of opening the door to u I had open it to Nick, Helen an the RSM. Then they told me, I just broke. I couldnt imagine my life without u and here i am living my worst nightmare............a life without seeing u ever again.... I just remember how proud u were with kaitlin when she said her first proper word ...HIYA... I just wish I could see that smile again! I miss hearing ur laughter and seeing that smile to die for! You mean the world to me and nothing will ever change that! It was hard seeing the new year in without u by my side but I know that u were there with us! You would never miss New Years Eve! I love u with all my heart baby and I will never forget u. x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
missing you / Damion Williams (good friend ) hi mate lee is due back from afghan this week after another 3 weeks over there its getting worse as they fighting a losing battle and many are getting or even dying we cant wait for his safe arrival. my brother misses you alot and is always talking about you from time to time. im tryng for a little one mate but got to go thro ivf but hopefuly i will have a daughter/son like you got one day. your daughter is stunning you should be so proud to be her dad best wishes and speak again soon damion
Happy Birthday sweet angel....love always...irene ,..mommy to angel...Kayla Xavier...forever.
My handsome nephew dean. / Aunty Tracey (Aunty)
Hiya babes, havent written on here for a while but that doesnt mean that your anyway forgotten far from it everyone misses you so much, its heartbreaking to see your mam and dad try to carry on with life when inside they are hurting desperatly. Iwish i could help but nothing anyone says or does will take the pain away. Its your birthday in 3 days i so wish you could be here to celebrate it but maybe you will in spirit. Not a lot has happened nanand bamps are in benidorm for a month but they say it is to long i bet nan is giving bamps loads of grief haha. Well anyway babes have a lovely day on your birthday im sure the angels will organise something for you. Miss you so much love always. xxxxx
Happy Halloween / Kate Porter Christopher's Mum
Happy Angel Anniversary Dean / Family To Angel ^Vanessa Borg^ Marie this is for you for your Precious Loving Son Let Precious Memories keep you going on this hard road.God Bless
Maria/ Gail Mom Crystal Earnhart (^l^ friend )
Happy Easter / Parents Of Angel Vanessa Wishing you a Happy Easter with your Angel freinds with our prayers the Borg family
the day you were gone. / Damion Williams (friend) There are day where i think to my self this could happen to any one, but you dont think it happens to someone you have grown up with maybe we was not as close as my brother (winston) was but we had our day as mates. i always try to think positive but i have had bad points in my life but i think then of the good times with you and all of our mates and what we got up to. i know Daniel lee is missing you alot and also my bro (winston) sorry i did not come to the funeral i was ill in hospital hope you forgive me. see you there some day mate look after and look over your daughter she is lush seen her with vicky your cousin a few weeks ago. good bye for now but maybe we will meet at the end of the road some day. you done us all proud
My nephew / Aunty Tracey (Aunty) Hiya babe, its been a while since i last wrote to you. I have now moved into caerphilly so have been pretty busy but now back to normal. Steve gem and kaitlin often visit wich i love i now have loads of visitors because i dont have the neighbours from hell anymore thank god. I see your mam quite often she is hurting so much but nothing anyone says ordoes can take her pain away, i wish you could comfort her in some way your the only one who can do this. It hurts so much to see her like this and not being able to take the pain away. Your mam has an interview coming up this month she so wants this see what you can do love im keeping my fingers crossed for her. Dean your missed so much and the saddness is arround us all. Speak to you soon. love you loads. xxxxxxxxxxx
FOREVER A FREIND IN MIND, HEART AND SOUL / Winston/Steve Williams (Close Freind ) Like any other kind of love, friendship can be lost within our lives due to neglect or anger or, simply circumstances. However it is lost, we often lose a part of ourselves that can never quite be recovered.
There's nothing as nice as someone who shares, your laughter, your secrets, your wishes and cares, someone who's there through your good times and tears, who stays by your side as your friend through the years.
.
One year on... / Mum Dad and I will never accept that you have gone. You leaving have had a devastating affect on our family. You and Dad had just begun to understand one another. He was and is so proud of you. Bampy misses you so much, he has lost his sparkle. You were so close, you were best muckers! Steve is half the person he used to be. You were always together through thick and thin. It was only the last few months you were apart you were the terrible twins. He seems lost without you. Hollie cries whenever she eats Pizza. Remember the Chicken Pizza episode! Kaitlin and Gem are being looked after by us all, just like we promised you we would every time you went away. We have had such good family and friends. As well as Nanny and Bamp and my sisters and your cousins, there are some other important people that have given us unconditional support and still continue to do so. Ron and Sara, Gerald and Sue, Chris and Amy, Tony and Bev, Cheryl, Jan and Sheila and Sarah Hollie's friend. Also my buddy's from THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS. Thank you all for helping our family get this far. We would have never got this far without you. We are eternally grateful to each and every one of you. We are going to Cornwall camping on your Angel Day. We know that this was your favourite place when you were growing up. Your cousins have fond memories of you and Steve and your time at Polkerris. Some of the stories are unrepeatable! DEAN I so wish I could go back one year and see you again. LOVING YOU FOREVER OUR ANGEL
miss u / Vicci Cuz u wouldnt believe how much i miss you its broken my heart i love and miss u so much wish every thing could of been different your baby girl is so beautiful just like you i cant get enough of her shes so precious just like u. why cant things go back to how they used to be the good old days they are memories i will never ever forget. miss you forever not a day goes by where i dntxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm so sorry !! / Gemma Burns (wife's friend in catterick ) I've just been looking at this wonderful tribute to such a young man. I started to look through the photo's and I realized that I knew both Dean and his wife Gemma from when I was still married to a soldier under the name Grantham living in catterick. I hope that Gemma reads this and knows that I'm thinking of her and I'm sorry I didn't know anty thing about it all. Your baby is beautiful. Gemma if you'd like to get in touch if you remember me it's gemgems13@btinternet.com I'd love to hear from you. Love and best wishes to all Gemmaxxx
Hello Daddy / Kaitlin (Daughter) I love winnie the pooh and tigger to. I miss you and wish you were here. Love you loads Kaitlin xxxxx
SCAN UPDATE IM HAVING A BOY! / Emma (cousin)
Hiya babe Im so sorry i havent been on here for a few weeks im moving house and my computer isnt up nans, bamp just bought this lap top, so we can all write to you now. I have so many things to tell you.
First of all im having a baby boy found out 13th july i cant believe it and im so excited, i got a due date of december 1st so kaitlin got a little cousin to play with soon and look after.
It was kaitlins birthday party up nans on saturday she loved it bless her, what an angel u made dean she is unbelievable. she had a bouncy caste and loved it she didnt stop jumping she was on it for hours. she kept going all day. she is a spitting image image of you everyone cant believe it. she is so beautiful and i love her more than i can put into words she is so precious to the family we just watch her whenever she is in the room
July 14th was such a bad day i cant believe you have been gone from us for a year i wish you was here dean it doesnt register that your gone, i keep you in my heart babe and not a day goes by when your not in my thoughts i wanna hug and u tell you i love you. i want you to know I Do LOVE YOU DEAN. this family is so empty without you thats the only way i can discribe he pain we are all going through.
Tributes and Condolences
There are day where i think to my self this could happen to any one, but you dont think it happens to someone you have grown up with maybe we was not as close as my brother (winston) was but we had our day as mates. i always try to think positive but i have had bad points in my life but i think then of the good times with you and all of our mates and what we got up to. i know Daniel lee is missing you alot and also my bro (winston) sorry i did not come to the funeral i was ill in hospital hope you forgive me. see you there some day mate look after and look over your daughter she is lush seen her with vicky your cousin a few weeks ago. good bye for now but maybe we will meet at the end of the road some day. you done us all proud 
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